Funny Parents of Twitter

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Dumping my cold coffee from this morning into the sink as I wash dishes, paying silent respect to all the parents.
I just settled an argument over the last waffle by eating it myself.
Parenting is easy.

I request that in the event of my demise, I be buried with the toilet paper holder- it’s likely to die in this house without me anyway.

Sometimes you can just tell which kid you should start saving bail money for.

When did I turn “I need to lay down after vacuuming” years old?

*1 y/o pulls down shirt and starts nursing* Me- “So… I think it’s time we talk about consent.”

All the suburban mom warriors on their neighborhood Facebook groups right now trying to make trick or treating happen on Saturday Oct. 29.

My toddler is at the perfect age where she’s old enough to get candy trick or treating but too young to eat it.

At this point, I’ve seen so many kids shows I can quote episodes that haven’t even aired yet.

Lets put it on your Christmas list = let’s hope you forget you ever wanted it.

Jennifer White @yenniwhite
– what my kids hear when I talk.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

-Intro to literally every. single. day. of my life for the last 6 years as a mother.

We bought this house because it has a perfect spot for the pile of clean socks.

My daughter is at that magical age and height where every time she jumps into my arms to hug me I get kicked in the tater tots.

Pregnancy Mtg

Angel: They’re growing a human, so they’ll need

God: Food aversions

Angel: Uh, ok

God: No alcohol

Angel: That’s savage, boss

When I’m gone, my legacy will be, “I don’t know, man, she was just tired a lot.”

Being a parent has taught me so much. Like how foolish I was to think I’d only put chocolate chips on yogurt once as “something special.”

When I was little I wanted to be a witch, but mostly just so I could clean my room while laying down, so I guess not that much has changed.

This is how to describe a parent’s love: picking up chewed food pieces and wiping noses without tissues, without flinching.

How are days of the week leggings not a thing yet?

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