If you have an NBA fan in your life, you probably already know who won the game last night based on whether or not your fan is super bummed or super excited. But in case you have difficulty deciphering your loved one’s moods, last night the Cleveland Cavaliers defeated the Golden State Warriors 93-89 to win the NBA championship. This was the first time in history that a team has blown a 3-1 lead in the NBA finals and is Cleveland’s first major sports title of any sort since 1964, or 5 years before we landed on the moon.
The big story here is that it is now official, God no longer hates Cleveland. Some of God’s greatest Cleveland related hits included having the Browns move and then win a title, the Indians imploding in Game 7 of the World Series, the pre-move Browns blowing consecutive AFC championship games in excruciating fashion, LeBron James leaving the Cavs on national TV only to go on to win 2 NBA title with his new team, and Michael Jordan doing this:
So, yeah, God definitely used to hate Cleveland, but clearly He must have decided that there were other things more pressing to worry about than continuing to troll Clevelanders. Surely, He looked down upon His glorious creations and realized that what with all the violence, and poverty, and war, and famine, and suffering, there were better things to do than to continue to antagonize the Cleveland fan base. And, thus, Cleveland is your new NBA champion. Congratulations Cleveland. I expect to hear that world hunger has been solved any day now. Or maybe He was too busy watching Game of Thrones last night and He just forgot to smite the Cavs. I guess we’ll know which it was soon enough.
Since Warriors fans reaction to any of the Cleveland story lines will be something like, “I’m so depressed. Please don’t talk to me right now,” and Cleveland fans reactions to any storyline will be something along the lines of “Woo hoo! Let’s get drunk! And build a golden idol to LeBron James! But don’t let God see. We don’t want him to hate us again,” we will be forgoing the format of the past “Let’s Talk: NBA Finals” articles and instead present a few team specific storylines for both teams. Feel free to skip the section that is not relevant to you.
- LeBron James became just the 3rd player ever to record a triple-double (10 or more in any of the major stat categories, usually points, rebounds, and assists) in a Game 7 of the NBA Finals. He was rightfully named the Finals MVP and has laid to rest any argument about whether or not he is the best player in the world right now. This is especially relevant because it could have made for a super awkward plot in Space Jam 2 when people saw the movie and were like, “why didn’t the aliens just steal Steph Curry’s powers so they could beat LeBron?” But now, thankfully, we don’t have to worry about that.
- Kyrie Irving hit a ridiculous 3 point shot to give the Cavs the lead with just under a minute to play and pretty much outplayed Steph Curry all series long. He established himself as a bona fide superstar and LeBron’s best side kick since Dwayne Wade. At least until Bugs Bunny unseats him in 2019.
- Kevin Love, NBA Champion. It has a nice ring to it. After being unfairly reduced to a punch line throughout all of internetdom, the much maligned Kevin Love actually had a pretty good game. He pulled down several important rebounds and on the most important defensive sequence of the game, switched onto Steph Curry and actually played competent defense! Curry had to force a bad shot, missed, and Cleveland won. Cleveland should still probably try to trade him this summer though.
- Cavs coach Ty Lue became the second consecutive first year head coach to win an NBA title after Warriors coach Steve Kerr did it last year. Previous to Kerr accomplishing the feat, the only time in NBA history a first year coach had won the title was the first year of the NBA. Teams everywhere have already begun scrambling to fire their coaches and hire coaches with no previous head coaching experience.
- Draymond Green was the only Warrior to show up and narrowly missed becoming just the 4th player in NBA history to record a triple double in Game 7 of the NBA Finals. His Game 5 suspension will be undoubtedly remembered for years to come as one of the primary reasons his team lost this finals, but his Game 7 performance definitely earned him some redemption.
- Harrison Barnes probably cost himself millions of dollars with his play in the playoffs and specifically the Finals. He played horribly. Like, if people hadn’t been so obsessed with how bad Kevin Love had played, they would have spent the last couple of days making fun of Harrison Barnes level horrible. Barnes, the Warriors possibly 5th best player, turned down a contract worth $16 million dollars a year before the season started. The contract would have made him the highest paid Warriors player on the team but now he stands to make much less. Probably.
- The Splash Brothers sucked it up again last night. In the most important game of the season, Klay Thompson and Steph Curry both played poorly. If either one of them played even halfway decently at all, the Warriors probably would be back to back champions right now.
So that concludes our 2016 NBA Finals coverage. Join us Thursday as we being our weekly “Let’s Talk” series where we will offer cheat sheets for all sorts of things that you probably aren’t interested in.