Despite your best efforts to generously offer your wife some extra sleep in the morning while you watch the kids, mornings can be tricky and nothing quite goes as planned. Here’s a 5 step plan to ensure Mom gets the rest she deserves this Mother’s Day.
1) Plan the night before.
Think you already know where everything is, so it can’t possibly be that hard to gather it all in the morning? Think again. Put your Boy Scout hat on and be prepared. You never know what these kids will throw at you and chances are, if someone can’t find a shoe, or their favorite green shirt, or the superhero cape they’ve worn to every outing for the last three weeks, they will be screaming for Mommy without skipping a beat.
So enlist Mom’s help the night before to pack up everything you might need:
- Find an outfit and matching shoes for each kid and put them in a safe place high up out of reach
- If you have no idea how to do your daughter’s hair, have Mom braid it the night before
- Make sure toothbrushes and toothpaste are together and not in the master bathroom
- Have kids in diapers? Pack up the diaper bag with diapers, wipes and spare change of clothes
2) Wake up BEFORE the kids. Quietly exit room. Close and lock door behind you.
3) Go poop.
It’s the last chance you’ll get for a while. Want to know the real reason behind resting bitch face? It’s because that woman has been holding in a shit for 5 hours because she was too busy dealing with her kids.
4) Get the kids dressed as quickly and quietly as possible.
This is the tricky part. If your kids are older and will quietly get dressed, then no worries. If we’re dealing with toddlers then here’s what you want to do:
1. Take them to the room in the house that is furthest from the master bedroom and close the door.
2. Bribe them. Tell them that they can have a treat if they get dressed without crying or talking loudly. If that doesn’t work give them a lollipop. I know that sounds like bad parenting and it most definitely is, but that’s not really our concern right now.
3. Do the bare minimum. Quickly put on clothes, skip brushing their teeth and hair if they are starting to get loud or fussy. Put shoes on in the car if you have to. Pretend like this is that Destiny game and the guy who only comes around on Fridays, or whatever day, is coming and he has that weapon that you’ve been wanting and the alien looking people are shooting at you and… I don’t know, just move.
Don’t come back until you’re sure Mom is awake. Don’t call her to find out though. If you aren’t sure, then stay out a little longer.
Bring her home breakfast. Deliver breakfast to her in bed and watch the kids for a little bit longer so she can eat in peace.